Occasionally, Bella visits her Irish relatives and comes back with the most interesting stories. I think she’s making them up. You decide.
A Covert Chronicle by Bella, Local Pub Guardian & Reluctant Time-Traveller
BELLA’S DOSSIER – Keeper of Secrets, Sniffer of Strange Books
Mission Codename: Operation Liquid Gold
Primary Objective: Retrieve the Legendary Golden Whisky.
Secondary Objective: Keep Humans Alive (Optional, but Preferable)
Hazards: Guards, Slavers, Witches, Tractor-Magic, Overenthusiastic Singing.
Chapter 1 – The Village Where Nothing Happened
The humans always complained: “Bella, nothing ever happens here.”
I begged to differ. Just last week a pigeon had the audacity to land on my fence. And don’t get me started on the milkman conspiracy.
But fine—by human standards, our village was sleepy. Until the after-hours raid at O’Malley’s Bar.
Guards stormed in, searching for late-night pint drinkers. Humans hid under sticky tables. I disguised myself as a mop. Standard procedure.
When they went to a different part of the bar, We scuttled upstairs into the attic. That’s when we found it: a dusty old book smelling faintly of goat and forgotten adventures.
Naturally, they opened it. Naturally, trouble began.
Chapter 2 – The Spell Gone Wrong (Or Right?)
The humans thought it was a cookbook.
Correction: it was a spellbook of forgotten magic.
One foolhardy human read aloud:
“Bring us adventure, bring us cheer, take us to a world not here!”
Well. A puff of smoke, a dramatic woof from me, and suddenly—bam—we were in a medieval kingdom with slavers on one side and suspiciously bad plumbing on the other.
Adventure achieved. Cheer: questionable.
Chapter 3 – Of Slavers, Signs, and Tractor Myths
The first locals we met wanted us to work for nothing. Rude.
Then we spotted a crooked sign:
“Return home? Retrieve the Legendary Golden Whisky, guarded by the Fiercest Witch in the Land.”
It seemed destiny was handing us a shopping list.
Enter: a wise old wizard. Beard like moss, socks like swamps, and a curious obsession with tractors. According to him, tractors were “the noblest beasts ever tamed.”
I’ll admit—by the end, I agreed.
Chapter 4 – The Sergeant Outwitted
Of course, nothing worth doing is unguarded. The local Sergeant, a man with the tactical brilliance of a turnip, chased us relentlessly.
We beat him three times:
Hiding in barrels.
Disguising ourselves as sheep.
Running faster than him.
Simple. Effective. Sheep costume: itchy.
Chapter 5 – Tractor Training for Beginners (and Dogs)
The wizard unveiled his secret: enchanted tractors.
Imagine: ploughs with wings, headlights firing lightning, and exhaust pipes humming like a frog choir.
Naturally, I demanded the driver’s seat.
Humans clung on, squealing: “Bella, brakes! BELLA!”
Brakes? Never heard of them.
Chapter 6 – The Witch of the Whisky
We finally reached the witch’s lair. She towered over us in her terrifying apron:
“Kiss the Cook (Or Else).”
The Legendary Golden Whisky bubbled in her cauldron, glowing with every story ever told in every pub across time.
Attempts at diplomacy failed. My tail wag failed.
So Plan B: Tractor Doughnuts.
While enchanted tractors carved spirals into her lawn, we snatched the whisky and bolted. She screamed something about “grass damage.”
Mission: messy. Success: pending.
Chapter 7 – The Return Home
One final spell hurled us back into O’Malley’s Bar. Same sticky floor, same faint smell of defeat—except now the golden whisky sat glowing on the counter.
We were home.
But something had shifted.
The village wasn’t sleepy anymore. Tales spread of witches, tractors with wings, and a dog who drove better than half the county. People stopped saying “nothing ever happens here.”
Because now, adventure lived in the cracks of the cobblestones.
And me? I curled by the fire, sighing deeply.
“Well,” I thought, “next time they want adventure, they can chase pigeons like the rest of us.”
🐾 MISSION STATUS: SUCCESS
Whisky Secured. Humans Returned. Village Transformed.
