THE DEPARTMENT OF INEFFICIENCY.
A One-Act Play
By: Brendan Dunne.
CHARACTERS:
· JOHN: A man with ambitions of achieving nothing, respectably.
· MAUREEN (The Interviewer/Manager): Deeply committed to process over outcome.
· AUDITOR: Sharp, suited, and increasingly horrified.
· PHIL, DEIRDRE, GARY: Civil Servants. Nodding, form-filling, and coffee-obsessed.
SETTING:
A drab, soul-crushingly beige government office. A single flickering fluorescent light buzzes ominously. The walls are adorned with motivational posters that are anything but: “A Clean Desk is a Sign of a Cluttered In-Tray,” “Meetings: The Practical Alternative to Work.”
[SCENE 1]
THE INTERVIEW
(SOUND of a faint, slow, rhythmic TICKING)
(The office is grey. The flickering light casts a sickly glow. JOHN sits opposite MAUREEN. A large poster behind her reads: “Public Service: Because Somebody Has To.” It’s slightly crooked.)
MAUREEN
(Without looking up,scanning a form)
So, John. Why do you want to work for the council?
JOHN
(Leaning forward earnestly)
Well, I’ve always dreamed of… not working, exactly, but, you know, appearing to work in a respectable way. A sustainable, long-term career of plausible activity.
(Maureen looks up. A slow, genuine smile spreads across her face. It’s the first real emotion we’ve seen.)
MAUREEN
Perfect.You’ve articulated our core mission statement. Do you have any direct experience in administration?
JOHN
Not directly. But I am excellent at forming committees to discuss the potential for administrative experience. I believe in laying the groundwork.
MAUREEN
(Slamming a stamp onto a form with finality)
Outstanding.You’re hired. Start Monday, take Tuesday off for acclimatisation, and we’ll schedule a preliminary review of your position sometime after the next general election.
(They shake hands. The handshake lasts just a beat too long. The TICKING seems to get slower.)
BLACKOUT
[SCENE 2]
THE PROJECT PROPOSAL
(Six months later. A meeting room. Six civil servants sit around a table buried under teetering stacks of paperwork. A whiteboard reads: “Bike Shelter Project – S.M.A.R.T. Goals.” Only the “S” is filled in: “Sustainable.”)
(John now has a slightly glazed but confident expression. He sips from a mug that reads “World’s Okayest Employee.”)
MAUREEN
Clapping hands together softly.
Right, team. Synergy time. Our Q4 headline project is building a bike shelter outside the Department of Transport.
JOHN
Lovely. Promoting green commuting. How much are we thinking? Ten thousand? Fifteen?
MAUREEN
(Chuckles condescendingly)
Oh, John. You’re still thinking in tangible terms. The budget is €326,000.
JOHN
Chokes on his tea.
…For abike shelter?
MAUREEN
Ah, but it’s not just a bike shelter. It’s a multi-stakeholder, future-facing vision statement. Sustainable transport, climate goals, the illusion of progress—the works. Phil, the breakdown?
PHIL
(Rattling off from a binder)
€45k for community liaison,€80k for environmental impact surveys, €60k for architectural well-being design, €25k for stakeholder engagement workshops…
DEIRDRE
(Interrupting)
We had very robust biscuit provision at those workshops.It was in the budget.
JOHN
And how many bikes will it actually hold?
GARY
(Consulting a chart)
According to our spatial efficiency metrics,three. Maybe four, if we fold them nicely and promise not to tell Health and Safety.
JOHN
And who, ultimately, will use it?
MAUREEN
Oh, no one. Security designated it a restricted-access zone last year. But it will photograph beautifully for the annual report. It’s about the narrative.
(They all nod in unified agreement. Deirdre writes “SUCCESS METRIC ACHIEVED” on the whiteboard.)
BLACKOUT
[SCENE 3]
THE ACCOUNTABILITY REVIEW
(Six months later. The bike shelter stands in the rain, pristine and utterly empty. A single PIGEON is perched inside, looking bureaucratic.)
(The AUDITOR, a sharp woman in a severe suit, stands with John and Maureen. She clicks an expensive pen.)
AUDITOR
Let’s cut to the chase. Can anyone explain to me why this three-bike shelter cost more than a four-bedroom house in County Mayo?
JOHN
(Smoothly)
Well, we had to form a sub-committee to review the colour of the roof. It was a very nuanced debate.
AUDITOR
And what colour did you choose?
MAUREEN
We couldn’t reach a consensus. It was divisive. So we spent €40,000 on an external consultant’s report on colour psychology and community resonance.
JOHN
The report was 120 pages.The executive summary concluded that grey felt… safest.
AUDITOR
(Pinching the bridge of her nose)
I see. And has any member of the public, or staff, ever actually used it?
(John and Maureen look at each other, then back at the Auditor, genuinely baffled by the question.)
MAUREEN
Oh, goodness, no. It’s far too dangerous to cycle here with all the ongoing roadworks.
JOHN
But we’re already one step ahead.We’ve just formed a cross-departmental task force to investigate the roadworks issue.
AUDITOR
The roadworks that have been there for eight years?
MAUREEN
Precisely! It’s a complex legacy situation.
(Everyone nods gravely. Gary starts filling out a “Task Force Initiation Form.”)
AUDITOR
I need a coffee.
MAUREEN
Excellent. Phil, the Coffee Requisition Form, please. It’s triplicate. And we’ll need to minute the milk allocation.
(Phil produces a thick wad of forms. The Auditor looks into the middle distance, defeated.)
BLACKOUT
[SCENE 4]
THE PROMOTION
(Back in the original grey office. The flickering light is now strobing erratically. Maureen pours two cups of lukewarm tea from a thermos.)
MAUREEN
John, I have news. Congratulations. You’ve shown remarkable initiative in maintaining appearances without producing any measurable outcomes.
JOHN
Thank you, Maureen. I’ve worked very hard at not working too hard. It’s a delicate balance.
MAUREEN
We’re promoting you. Effective immediately, you are the Senior Assistant Deputy Director of Strategic Inefficiency.
JOHN
That sounds…like a lot of responsibility.
MAUREEN
(Waving a dismissive hand)
Don’t worry. It isn’t. Your first duty is to chair the committee reviewing the effectiveness of our committees. It’s a five-year project.
JOHN
A legacy project. I’m honoured.
(They raise their chipped mugs of lukewarm tea in a quiet toast. The flickering light finally gives out with a POP, plunging them into darkness.)
MAUREEN
(Voice in the dark)
I’ll put in a work order for that. Should be actioned by 2028.
FADE TO BLACK.
TAGLINE:
The Department of Inefficiency: Progress, measured in paperwork, priced like a palace.
