BREAKING: Local Man Quits News, Begins Not Screaming at Walls.
In an unprecedented move, area resident Greg Saunders has stopped reading, watching, or yelling at any content labelled “news.” Within 48 hours, Greg reportedly experienced radical side effects: improved sleep, sudden laughter at trees, and a strange ability to form opinions after seeing actual things happen.
“I asked him what he thought about the crisis, and he just blinked and said, ‘Which one?’” said a horrified coworker. “He didn’t even know what was trending. It was… unnatural.”
Greg now spends his time gardening, making shapes out of clouds, talking to neighbours, and occasionally staring into space without doomscrolling. When asked if he was worried about being uninformed, Greg replied, “I still know the sun exists. That seems like a good start.”
Experts warn this behaviour could lead to mass outbreaks of peace and curiosity. Authorities are monitoring the situation closely—via twelve conflicting headlines and a podcast no one fact-checked.
