“CEOs React to a World Where Problems Are Actually Solved.“
(A Corporate Horror Story in 6 Acts)
🌅 5:30 AM – Big Pharma CEO
[Wakes up to his stock portfolio auto-deleting itself]
News Alert: “Miracle ‘Everything Pill’ discovered (cures: anxiety, baldness, and the urge to check LinkedIn).”
CEO: “This is a NIGHTMARE. How are we supposed to sell monthly ‘symptom management’ if symptoms just… STOP?!”
[Dials lawyer] “I need to trademark ‘Post-Cure Depression’—STAT.”
🦷 6:00 AM – Toothpaste Billionaire
[Watches lab demo of self-cleaning teeth nanobots]
Scientist: “Just chew this gum once. Never brush again.”
CEO: [Drops diamond-encrusted toothbrush]
“Rebrand all toothpaste as ‘vintage oral nostalgia’ and triple the price. Mint is retro now.”
👓 6:15 AM – Eyeglass Industry Emergency
Intern: “Sir, the ‘Perfect Vision’ app went viral. It’s just… a 10-second eye exercise.”
VP: “DELETE THE INTERNET. Also, release our new ‘Glasses for Dogs’ line. Pets deserve to look scholarly, too.”
📱 6:30 AM – Tech Titan Meltdown
Engineer: “Bad news: The ‘indestructible phone’ prototype works. Good news: It’s ugly as sin?”
CEO: “Perfect. Release it in beige. Call it the grandpa model.‘ They’ll upgrade just to not look poor.”
🚗 6:45 AM – Big Auto Panic
[Boardroom screens show a car hitting 500,000 miles… on its original brakes]
CFO: “What monster designed this?!”
Intern: “It was Bob from R&D. He says cars should last.“
[HR immediately fires Bob into the setting sun]
💎 7:00 AM – Wellness Guru’s Existential Crisis
[Stares at “Science Cures Trauma” headline while holding $500 ‘Healing Moon Rock’]
Guru: “But… my sacred 8-week ‘Unblock Your Aura’ course?!”
[Pivots instantly]
“NEW WORKSHOP: ‘How to Grieve the Loss of Your Problems’ (Sliding scale $799-$5,000).”
🎬 Post-Credits Scene
[Shadowy figures in a bunker]
Big Glue CEO: “Phase one complete. Release the ‘disposable socks’ that dissolve after one wear.”
Big Problem Inc: “We’ll always have socks. And human insecurity. Stay profitable, kings.”
🔥 TL;DR:
Capitalism when cures exist: “But how will we sell the sequel?!”
💬 Comment Below:
Which industry would panic the hardest? (Big Toothpaste is already writing its villain origin story.)
😂 Share If You’d Invest in ‘Problems, Inc.’
(Because the real money’s in creating new ones.)
